Lesson 19: Should Statements

In Lesson 3, we explored how “I must” can become a belief that drives anxiety. This lesson returns to that territory with more specificity: the word “should” and the rigid rules it creates.

Module: 7, Patterns and pitfalls

Learning objective

By the end of this lesson, you should be able to identify should statements in your own thinking, understand why they maintain anxiety, and practice replacing them with preferences.

The concept: the tyranny of “should”

Should statements are rigid internal rules about how things must be. Burns categorized them as a cognitive distortion [3]. Ellis placed them at the center of his entire therapeutic model, arguing that absolutistic demands — “I must,” “you should,” “the world ought to” — are the primary source of emotional disturbance [1].

Three directions of “should”

Direction	Example	Result when violated
Toward yourself	“I should always know the answer”	Anxiety, self-criticism, shame
Toward others	“People should appreciate my effort”	Anger, resentment, hurt
Toward the world	“Things should go smoothly”	Frustration, helplessness, anxiety

In anxiety, the self-directed shoulds are usually the loudest: “I should be able to cope.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I should have handled that better.”

Why “should” is a problem

The issue is not the desire behind it. Wanting to be competent is reasonable. The issue is the rigid, absolutistic framing:

• It creates an impossible standard. “I should always be calm” means any moment of anxiety is a failure.
• It prevents acceptance. “I shouldn’t feel anxious” adds a layer of distress on top of the anxiety: now you’re anxious about being anxious.
• It drives avoidance. If you believe you should always perform perfectly, the safest option is not to try.
• It generates self-punishment. When the should is violated (and it will be, because it’s unrealistic), the response is self-criticism rather than problem-solving.

The alternative: preferences

The REBT approach is to replace the demand with a preference [5]:

Should statement	Preference version
“I should never make mistakes at work”	“I’d prefer not to make mistakes, but I can handle it when I do”
“I should always have an answer”	“I’d like to have an answer, but it’s OK to say ‘I don’t know’”
“I shouldn’t feel anxious”	“I’d prefer not to feel anxious, but anxiety is a normal experience”

The preference keeps the aspiration. It removes the catastrophic consequence of falling short.

A worked example

The following is a fictional example used for teaching.

Erin has been promoted and now manages a small team. Her core should statement: “I should always know more than my team.”

This generates anxiety every time a team member asks a question she can’t answer immediately. She stays up late reading about topics that might come up, avoids delegating tasks she’s not expert in, and feels like a fraud.

Her thought record (from Lesson 15) reveals that the rule is based on the assumption: “If I don’t know the answer, they’ll lose respect for me.”

Testing the preference version: “I’d like to know the answers, but a good manager can say ‘Let me find out and get back to you.’”

She tries saying “I’ll check on that” in a meeting. Nobody reacts negatively. One team member says, “Thanks, I appreciate you looking into it.” The should statement predicted disaster; the preference predicted something manageable. The preference was right.

A common misunderstanding

“Without ‘should’ rules I’d have no standards.” Preferences are not the absence of standards. They are standards held with flexibility. A meta-analysis of rational-emotive and cognitive-behavioral therapy found that reducing rigid demands while maintaining preferences was associated with reduced distress across anxiety and depression [4]. The standards remain; the self-punishment for falling short is what changes.

Optional reflection

Write down three should statements you apply to yourself. For each one, rewrite it as a preference. Notice the difference in how the two versions feel. The should version tends to produce tension; the preference version tends to produce something closer to motivation without threat.

When to get support. If should statements are deeply entrenched and drive significant anxiety, self-criticism or avoidance, a therapist trained in CBT or REBT can help you identify and challenge the underlying demands. This is especially useful when the demands are connected to early experiences or core beliefs. If you are in crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis line: in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans on 116 123; in the US, call or text 988.

Recap

• Should statements are rigid internal rules that create pressure and self-criticism when reality falls short.
• They can be directed at yourself, others, or the world.
• They maintain anxiety by creating impossible standards, preventing acceptance, and driving avoidance.
• Replacing demands with preferences keeps the aspiration but removes the catastrophic consequence.
• Standards held flexibly motivate; standards held rigidly punish.

Previous lesson: Lesson 18: Anxiety and Perfectionism | Next lesson: Lesson 20: Emotional Reasoning